hen Kara met Josh, it wasn’t love at first sight. It was love at no sight at all
The couple connected through an online dating site. Their relationship began casually enough. Soon, however, they exchanged personal e-mail addresses and, eventually, met in person.
And then the trouble began.
Josh complained whenever Kara wanted to go out with her friends. If she invited him to come, he refused. Being a people person, Kara felt stifled and resentful. In response to her complaints, Josh became more demanding, to the point that Kara wanted out of the relationship.
But getting out of it was far more difficult than getting into it. Had Kara recognized early on the verbal signals a controlling person incorporates into communication (typed or spoken), she would have avoided much heartache.
Control can be a difficult problem to recognize at the beginning of any romantic relationship. Controlling people communicate their intent through the words they speak as well as their body language and facial expressions. Those involved in online relationships lack the benefit of body language, making it significantly more difficult to recognize a controlling person.
However, controlling people do communicate signs of their intent through words, phrases, or suggestions. Such verbal communications (whether typed into a computer or spoken over the telephone) require immediate identification, before emotions take over and cloud reason. God’s Word warns us in Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”
• Manipulation. A controlling person uses anger, guilt, or ridicule to get his own way. He is easily irritated or offended. If you object to his behavior, he may make statements like, “You just want to start a fight” or “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” The controlling person manipulates to maintain the upper hand in the relationship.
• Criticism. A controlling person is quick to criticize and point out your faults. When you express your opinion, she may say, “You don’t know what you’re talking about” or “That’s stupid.” She will undermine your worth and put you down in order to make herself feel important. Because a controlling person is basically insecure, she uses criticism as a weapon for establishing her philosophy of “I’m OK, but you’re not OK.”
• Name-calling. A controlling person resorts to calling you names — such as “paranoid,” “dumb,” or even worse — especially when he senses resistance on your part. Name-calling is his attempt to define you as he wants you to be — not as you really are — so he can control you.
• Threats. A controlling person may threaten to stop talking to you or, even jokingly, to inflict physical harm on you. If the latter occurs, take it seriously and immediately report it to the police. It is better to be safe than sorry.
• Jealousy. A controlling person wants you all to herself. She resents your attention to others and expects you to be at her disposal. She continually checks up on you and pumps you with questions about your every activity. She might ask questions like, “Why did you sign on so late?” or “Why didn’t you answer my IM (instant message)? or “Whom else are you talking to?” The controlling person treats you like a possession, isolating you from your family and friends.
Control is a form of bullying. Entering into a relationship with a controlling person can be dangerous and can lead to date rape and other kinds of violence and abuse. Pay attention to the verbal signs of control and beware of continuing a dating relationship once you recognize you’re dealing with a controlling person.
When God is in control of your life, no one else can be. As Christians, we are commanded to be filled, or controlled, by the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 5:18). John 14:26 says the Holy Spirit is a counselor to believers. When the Holy Spirit controls us, we will make wise choices and avoid tragic mistakes.
1. Realize you are not to blame for your date’s controlling personality. When your date tries to cast blame on you, refuse to receive it.
2. Seek help from your parents, a pastor or a counselor. Freeing yourself from a controlling person almost always requires outside help. Don’t be afraid to ask for it.
3. Listen to the advice of your family and friends. If you get defensive or make excuses when your family or friends question your relationship, beware. They are probably seeing something you don’t see. Heed God’s Word in Proverbs 24:6: “In a multitude of counselors there is safety” (New King James Version).
4. Set boundaries and uphold them. When your date attempts to control you, stop him. If necessary, sign offline, hang up the phone, or walk away. If he threatens you, call the police.
5. Remember: No one can control you without your permission. Controlling
people are drawn to those who allow themselves to be controlled. If you are in a controlling relationship, there may something in you that attracted a controlling person and allowed you to be controlled. That “something” may be low self-worth or looking to others rather than to God to meet your needs.
6. Pray and seek God’s wisdom. Talk to God about your relationship. He promises to give you wisdom if you simply ask Him for it (James 1:5).
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