oading the last box onto the moving van, my best friend, Sarah, and I decided it was time to rest. We grabbed some cans of soda and sat down in the middle of her bare living room. Looking around at the empty walls, we couldn't believe it had already been a year since she met her fiancé, Ben, through an online Christian dating service. Curious, I asked her what it felt like to be engaged again after more than two decades of being divorced.

"You know," she began, sipping thoughtfully, "I had almost given up hope for finding the right man. But the other day Ben said something wonderful. He said, ‘Sarah, I had a hole in my heart. You filled that hole.' With all my flaws, he still values me."

Sarah's search for the right man was not easy. With three grown daughters and five grandchildren, Sarah knew her future husband would have to love children. Furthermore, he would have to be open-minded and nonjudgmental - each of Sarah's grandchildren had been born out of wedlock.

While they were still communicating only online and by phone, Sarah struggled with how to tell Ben about her daughters' unmarried statuses. She figured that, if she and Ben were going to enjoy a lasting relationship, it would be better to prepare him with the truth before they met in person.

As Sarah got to know Ben she began to feel comfortable enough with him to talk about her daughters and grandchildren. When Ben traveled across the state to meet Sarah and her family for the first time, he found Sarah's daughters and grandchildren to be wholesome and lovable people. Although their less-than-ideal circumstances might have caused another man to turn away, Ben was willing to accept them as they were and told Sarah he was thankful she had told him the truth.

Sarah told me that she later asked him if he would have been as accepting had she not prepared him in advance. "He told me he didn't think so," she said. "But I think since I told him ahead of time, he was able to prepare himself. He was able to absorb and accept my family. He told me, ‘If you had waited until I met your daughters to tell me that they'd had children out of marriage, I would've focused on the shock of the news. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy myself with them.'"

Too late and you'll scare people off

My friend, Robby, had the opposite experience. When he met Lynn through an online dating site, he learned that she had a teenage son. But she never told Robby much about him. After six months of online correspondence, he went to meet Lynn and her son in person. That's when and how he learned that Lynn's son was involved in drugs and street crimes.

As Robby put it, "He was a mess. His mother had apparently let him get away with everything. And their household was in disarray. She asked me if I thought I could deal with her son. She said she would have told me about him earlier, but she was afraid I wouldn't go to meet her and her son. I sadly shook my head and walked out."

Robby walked away from his relationship with Lynn, sorry for her, but also sorry he had wasted his time.

Lynn may have needed someone to help her gain control over her household, but in Robby's opinion, "I couldn't do it. Maybe if she had come to me in the beginning and told me about her son, I could've helped her. I might've even been willing to step in and play the authoritarian role. But I felt like I'd been misled - even tricked."

Had Lynn been open and straightforward earlier in the relationship, Robby may have been more willing to accept the situation. But Lynn's neglect to reveal this important information left Robby feeling she had deceived him.

Thou shalt not leave stuff out

As Christians, we understand that lying is a sin. But frustration sets in when we find ourselves in a situation where we're confronted with the decision on whether to reveal important information, especially when that information might cause potential harm to our relationships. Weighing that decision is even more intense if it is within a dating relationship where you're not sure if the information will cause the relationship to end.

Do you have something to reveal to someone you're dating? Have you met someone and are struggling with having to disclose personal information to your potential mate?

Whether you're dealing with a chronic health problem, financial crisis, addiction, family problems, an ugly past or a controversial issue in your life, if you're planning a future with someone, it's important to understand that by not sharing this important information, you could place your relationship in worse jeopardy than if you had.

Number nine of the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:16) says that we should "not give false testimony" against our neighbors. I believe God gave us this command to protect us and to protect others. When we mislead people, we hurt them and we hurt ourselves. In Robby's situation, Lynn was afraid to be open about her son's lifestyle for fear of rejection; but her evasiveness actually caused him to reject her.

Too early and you'll scare people off

Although the consequences of waiting too late to reveal your secret can be devastating, you could also reveal it too soon. My neighbor, Crystal, found out that springing something on somebody too early can quickly wilt a seemingly budding relationship.

As a former cancer patient, Crystal had been in remission from breast cancer for nearly four years. Reaching a point in her life where she was ready to date again, Crystal joined a local Christian singles group. There she met Jim.

After a couple of lunch dates, Crystal decided she would talk to Jim about her cancer. The two went out to dinner one night, and Crystal chose that opportunity to discuss it. Jim politely sympathized with her but was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. The conversation ebbed and the dated ended prematurely. Crystal never heard from Jim again.

"It wasn't until later that I found out his mother had died from breast cancer," Crystal shared. "Had I known that, I wouldn't have sprung it on him so fast. We really hit it off until then! I think if we'd had time to get to know each other better he might have had a chance to accept me despite his fears about my illness."

As a former marketing representative for an online parenting network, one method I used with potential sponsors was to get to know a company before asking for its sponsorship. Looking for a common factor we shared, I developed a relationship with a potential sponsoring company. Only when they gave me an indication that they were seriously interested in our network would I propose a partnership.

Conversely, another marketing representative at our company made cold calls and sent e-mails, immediately launching into a partnership proposal. During the few months when she worked for us, she never created a single successful partnership.

People want to feel comfortable with each other before they launch into details worthy of a deeper relationship. Putting someone on the spot before developing a comfortable relationship is almost always a turn-off.

Before you decide to reveal important information to your date, evaluate the relationship and determine how comfortable you both are with each other.

Ask yourself: What is my date's nature? Is he open and straightforward? Is she reserved? Does she need time to mull things over? Does he need to hear information described in a specific way? Does she prefer hearing "bad news" at a certain time of day?

Only when you put your feelers out and get to know your date fairly well will you be able to get a feel for how that individual will receive your information.

So when is the best time?

In Sarah's case, it's clear that revealing important information early helps prepare people for the truth. Robby, on the other hand, missed out on that opportunity to prepare himself. But Crystal, who decided to reveal her cancer to her date, found out that we can give important information too soon.

So, when is the best time to spring something on your date?

The answer is: there is no best time that is universally right for everyone. There is no right answer when it comes to figuring out when to reveal important information to a potential mate.

You need to take many factors into consideration, but the most important factor is understanding that God is in control.

As Christian singles, we must remember to let God lead us to the right person, understanding that he has actually chosen just the right mate for us. And if your date is the one who is God's choice for you, that person will be willing to accept you as you are.

He truly knows the best time to reveal important information in your situation; he knows when the relationship is strong and true enough to withstand certain problems. If you have something important and potentially troubling to tell your date, pray about it. Ask God to present an opportune time and give you guidance in choosing the right words.

Sometimes the relationship just isn't "meant to be," and you will face rejection regardless of when or how you tell the truth about yourself. However, as in the case of Sarah and Ben, if you are blessed to find that "special someone" God has in mind for you, that individual will accept your information and situation.

Among his "30 Life Principles" listed on the InTouch Ministries Web site, Dr. Charles Stanley, senior pastor of First Baptist Church of Atlanta and noted author and Christian television minister, includes "Obey God and leave all the consequences to him" as the second life principle on his list.

Telling the truth may feel risky, but the outcome of any risk will be exactly what is best for you if you allow God to be in control. If the Lord gives you a mate, trust him to guide you in revealing your deepest thoughts and most important circumstances to that mate at all times - when dating and later when married.

Tips:

If you have something important - and especially if it's potentially troubling - to reveal to your date, begin by asking yourself a few questions such as:

• Is there even a potential of a deeper relationship at all?
• What is the nature of the secret you're holding? Is it something that will take time for your date to adjust to? Is it about something in your past or something current?
• How comfortable are you with talking about it? Can you talk about it without breaking down and making your date uncomfortable, too?
• How much of an impact would it make on your relationship? Will it be a life-long situation? Will it change plans the two of you have already discussed? Will the information impact your date's family? Will your date's reaction to the "secret" information impact your family?