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elationships often end before they ever really have a chance to begin. Single people sometimes feel like giving up due to a sense of hopelessness and frustration, not realizing that many times there is an invisible, underlying problem within that may go undetected if we do not honestly and critically examine our own hearts. The problem is not a character flaw, nor is it something that cannot be overcome. In fact, just being able to realize the problem exists is a tremendous part of the solution.
The problem is past orientation, a mindset we often develop as a result of one or more negative relationships or experiences that condition our pattern of thinking to presuppose a similar final outcome in a new relationship. The other prong of the problem is that a past orientation can cause a person to behave in ways that drive another person away.
The following stories of Jeanne, Bruce and Kaci illustrate the consequences of past orientation in a relationship mindset.
Jeanne’s story. Jeanne arrived home one day and was surprised that her husband wasn’t already there. She became alarmed when she looked around the house and realized that all of his belongings were missing. So was the money in the bank account. Shocked, she waited in dismay several days, but Ken didn’t return. He had abandoned her without saying a word or leaving a note. Eventually they divorced.
For years afterward, in several dating relationships, whenever Jeanne’s date was late in arriving or seemed reluctant to explain his whereabouts when she asked, Jeanne was worried and wrongly assumed that he was leaving the relationship. As a result of her past orientation causing her fear of loss and abandonment, she would behave in a manner that was too controlling for the man, and he subsequently would end the relationship.
Bruce’s story. Bruce became a very unhappy spouse when Louise totally lost interest in their sex life after the birth of their son. Despite attempts at resolving the situation, his wife continued to refuse to engage in sex. Seven years later, Louise died.
Eventually Bruce began dating again, but his past orientation from the unpleasant situation with Louise created problems in his new relationships. Each time he became seriously interested in a woman and she began talking about having children after they married, Bruce assumed it would be the end of sex in their marriage. So he would end the relationship instead of marrying the woman.
Kaci’s story. Kaci had dated Dalton for two years and wanted to marry him and have children together. Dalton was in the military and traveled the world as a result of his military commitment. He was not quite ready to build a family. But Kaci characterized Dalton as being afraid of commitment. Eventually their relationship came to a close.
Following her relationship to Dalton, Kaci began dating Lance. Lance had been previously married and had three children by his first wife. Kaci and Lance loved each other and planned to wed. But they encountered turbulence when Lance said he had no interest in raising another family. He was looking forward to life with Kaci and no children. But Kaci’s past orientation based on her relationship with Dalton caused her to assume that Lance was afraid of commitment. Eventually, Kaci terminated their relationship. Subsequently, whenever Kaci dated other men who were not where she was in terms of goals for the future, she incorrectly believed they were afraid of commitment.
Lenses can cloud or clearly reveal the view
Often it is difficult to see beyond our scars and wounds from relationships that injured us. Unfortunately, rather than seeing things as they truly are, we often see things through lenses clouded by preconceived ideas and biases based on our past experiences. Viewing people through past-oriented lenses creates a faulty platform upon which to build true understanding and healthy relationships.
| It’s imperative to filter out our past bad experiences that lead us to misjudge new relationships. |
It is imperative that we filter out our bad experiences, which could cloud our vision and lead us to misjudge new relationships based on our past orientation. Unless we eliminate this cloudy vision, we will behave in ways that will negatively impact current and future relationships.
Often, we do not realize when we are behaving and making decisions in our relationships from a past orientation. The emotional intensity that helped create the particular orientation within may have become an intricate yet virtually undetectable part of a person’s psyche.
A past-oriented mindset will impact behavior in a relationship when it comes to solving problems, feeling secure, making plans and decisions for the future, handling changes in circumstances, handling disappointment in a romantic partner’s behavior, and even feeling accountable for one’s own behavior.
The fact is past relationship experiences are not an accurate predictor of future relationships. So what is the remedy? How can we move beyond a past-oriented mindset? Changing this mindset requires relying on actuality rather than possibilities. This reliance is not natural to our thinking, so it’s not easy to do; and it often takes a long time to change thought processes. However, the process is simpler for Christians.
To maintain clarity of vision and understanding, it is important that the lenses through which we understand reality be clear and without distortion. The Word of God, and communicating with God through prayer, operate as lenses through which Christians understand the realities of human nature, the very heart of God and even ultimate reality.
Simply put, we allow God to shape our understanding of the facts as well as the possibilities in circumstances and relationships. His revealed self and eternal perspective empowers us to shed the negative effects of experiences that could have devastating results in our lives. The psalmist stated lucidly in Psalm 18:30, “As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.”
| Ask the Lord to reveal actualities that may differ from your feelings. |
Self-examination
When it comes to relationships and past-oriented feelings, it is also crucial for us to remember that we are often riddled with our feelings about our own shortcomings and past mistakes and choices.
A very close and personal self-examination may help us overcome such things as past orientations of which we might be completely unaware. The wise counsel of Hebrews 4:12 states, “For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”
For example, when evaluating our own lives, it is natural to feel guilt and allow it to weigh us down and then make choices based on feelings associated with guilt around past decisions and behaviors. It is important to remember that, as Christians, we can rely on God’s grace and forgiveness (when we ask for forgiveness and repent) to remove our past-oriented feelings of guilt and replace them with accurate feelings for assessing situations.
Another fallacy in self-examination is comparing ourselves to others. Instead, as Christians, we are to hold ourselves up next to the very character of God. Since we have been created in his image and made to be like him, we need to go to the living Word and strive to conform our lives to his likeness.
By allowing the lens of God to filter our lives, experiences and understanding of others with whom we have relationships, as well as reflect back to us who we truly are, we will have a clear and accurate representation of a current relationship situation.
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