ames and Victoria have been married for seven years and admit in their Couples Group that their home feels more like a battle zone than a comfy nest reflecting the lovebirds they once were. Three children, financial stress and two careers have set them on a verbal collision course they each feel helpless to avoid. It’s time to re-evaluate their marital battle plan.

As newlyweds, James and Victoria spent a lot of time together. When the children came along, their time with each other waned as financial pressures mounted and family responsibilities grew. What James and Victoria are experiencing is common. Marriage is an ever-changing relationship between two people who will change noticeably over a lifetime. In the first seven years of marriage, many dramatic changes take place.

James has now experienced the joys and the stressful demands of fatherhood. He has settled into his career and established some roots. His college buddies are doing the same, and he’s not as interested in running with his pals on a Saturday afternoon. He’d rather stay at home, enjoying the fruits of his labor. James takes a certain amount of satisfaction in knowing he is beginning to provide well for his family. He has made the all-important leap from boy to man. He doesn’t understand Victoria’s response to all that he has accomplished. 

Victoria has taken the journey through pregnancy three times; her figure has changed and she feels insecure about the way she looks. She is up with the baby at least once every night and never feels fully rested. She is juggling a job, daycare, school and family responsibilities. She spends the majority of her time tasking to meet the needs of others.

“Victoria doesn’t think about how hard I work; she never gives me credit for being a good husband or a good dad. I hate to come home and find the kids running everywhere, dishes stacked up in the sink, and her talking on the phone to her mom. It’s a daily occurrence,” James confides. “She needs to tend to the kids and let her mom work out her own problems.”

Victoria has her own side of the story. “I work too, and I never get a break. If I talk to my mom for 10 minutes, he blows. He could help with the kids once in a while, but all he’s interested in is watching TV. He gets mad if the kids are too loud, but they just want his attention.”

The culprit in a failed marriage

What would happen if James and Victoria turned off the TV, set down the telephone, took the kids to a sitter and opened up to each other for some honest communication? It is common to find that the culprit in a failed marriage is the gradual erosion of effective communication between two marriage partners. Quarrels and bickering become an easy substitute for successful problem solving.

Words can be restorative and rejuvenating, or they can become lethal weapons. In the case of James and Victoria, unspoken expectations and personal frustrations fuel a powder keg of unrestrained emotions that lead to hurt feelings, anger, and bitter verbal exchanges that result in emotional distancing.

In the heat of battle, it becomes more about taking the personal win than solving the problem. To avoid the battle scars that can quickly mount up, it is prudent to evaluate the unspoken motives that often drive the conflicts that arise in marriage. What we think and what we say to ourselves about our spouse sets the stage for our behavior toward our marriage partner.

Healthy marriage communication

Dr. H. Norman Wright, one of America’s best-known Christian counselors and author of more than 70 books including “Communication: Key to Your Marriage” (Regal Books, 2000), lists behaviors found in a healthy marriage:

• You look out for number two rather than number one
  
• You energize your spouse rather than drain energy from him/her
  
• You eliminate blaming/shaming from the marriage
  
• You are willing to learn from your partner
  
• You end your disagreements with a feeling of resolve
  
• You feel better after a disagreement

In his book, Dr. Wright also states, “Verbal conflict in itself is not harmful; it can open doors of communication. On the other hand, a quarrel is defined as verbal strife in which the emotions have taken over and the focus is more on the other person than on resolving the problem. When the quarrel is over, there is usually a greater distance between the couple or a residual bad feeling.”

Effective communication under pressure requires careful consideration in order to avoid launching what Dr. Wright refers to as “zingers” — lethal verbally guided missiles. Zingers are caustic statements intended to inflict emotional damage. In the heat of a raging marital dispute, zingers are weapons of mass of destruction. “The power of caustic statements is evident when you consider that one zinger can undo 20 acts of kindness,” states Dr. Wright.

An honest evaluation and intentional readjustment of your marital battle strategies can unlock the depths of God’s intended blessing inherent in the covenant of marriage. Sometimes that means lowering expectations to eliminate blame and shame from your marriage, sharing tasks so you can energize your spouse, speaking words of affirmation as you look out for number two, admitting mistakes as you learn from your partner. Eliminate those costly zingers from your arsenal, and replace them with new rules of engagement.

Take time to identify what triggers explosive, reactionary exchanges with your spouse. Make a list of what is “fair play” and what isn’t when disagreements arise. Prepare to embrace change; life is full of it. Rehearse it openly with your spouse. Successfully fulfilling a lifelong commitment involves working your way through to productive resolution.

“One essential key to resolving communication issues is learning to speak your partner’s language. Become more sensitive to how your spouse best speaks and listens,” advises Dr. Wright. “Conflict in marriage arises when two people cannot communicate effectively.”

“For instance,” Dr. Wright explains, “you may be an expander, going into great detail as you convey a message. I may be a condenser, one who likes as little information as possible to convey the point. Instantly, we have frustration and a breakdown in communication if the expander cannot be sensitive to the communication style of the condenser and vice versa.”

Dr. Wright, former director of the Graduate Department of Marriage, Family and Child Counseling of Talbot School of Theology, Biola University, encourages couples to plan ahead for marital conflict. He asserts, “Understanding your spouse’s language and using it as a guideline for communicating can often defuse conflict and lead to creative problem solving.”

Taking the time to plan for conflict is time well spent. Conflict can be turned into a useful tool that undergirds your partnership, rather than a caustic weapon that serves to erode it, when you agree before hand to fight fairly and disagree productively.

For more information on Dr. Wright’s advice on marriage and the 70+ books he has authored, visit www.hnormanwright.com.