or a Christian, the decision to date after being previously married, or to remarry, is daunting, but more so if there are children involved.

If the previous marriage ended in the death of one’s spouse, the issue of dating can cause feelings of guilt, betrayal and vulnerability for the parent; for the child, there may be feelings of confusion, anger and bitterness toward that parent. The same feelings may also spring up for a child whose parents divorced. The other parent is still around and the child may feel like he or she is put in a position of having to dislike the new love interest because the other parent doesn’t like the situation.

So many factors are involved in these types of relationship issues, but explaining to your child that you will be moving on with your life after the end of a marriage does not have to be as difficult as it may seem.  

Before dating begins

For a child whose parent has died, the most important thing to remember is that healing takes time. If the case is that you heal from the death of your spouse before your child does, you should consider your child’s feelings about the issue, especially if the child is very young. A child may not understand why you are seeing other people months after the other parent’s passing. So you may want to take a little more time than you feel necessary in order to give your child time to heal.

When you feel the time is right, talk to your children about your need to move on with your life. Be honest about how you are feeling and explain to them that the Lord may have plans for you to be with someone else.    

Before you can tell your children that you will be dating again after a divorce, you may want to keep in mind that they will most likely view the new person as a threat to their own personal time with you. Start to go out with friends first, explaining to your kids that adults need to spend time with other adults. The kids will then be used to your spending time with other people.  

Equally yoked?

First, it is important to make sure the man or woman you will be dating or marrying is also a Christian. You have to choose wisely whom you bring into your child’s life. With this fact in mind, tell your child that you have met someone who is also a believer in Christ and that you care for this person very much. If the child is younger, put it simply: “I have a special friend who believes in God just like I do, and that’s very important in any relationship.” Notice the word “friend” here. Little children may not understand the concept of dating, so keeping it as simple as possible will save a lot of awkward explaining.

For older children, make sure they understand the importance of finding a Christian to date as well. Don’t sugarcoat the issue; just simply explain that you will be dating again and that the man or woman is also a fellow believer in Christ.   

Make sure your child feels included

It’s important that your children know that they have an effect on your decision to date or remarry. Actually, they need to know that you are keeping their best interest always at heart. They need to feel that the relationship with the parent will be untainted by a new person.

Lydia Harper recalls her struggle when her parents divorced and began to move on with their lives with other people. She says, “When my dad started dating again, I was happy for him. But then I thought, ‘Shouldn’t he still be spending all his time with me instead of this new woman?’”

The parents should always continue working on the parent-child relationship and not spend all of their time on the relationship with the “new” person.

Summer Andrews remembers how it felt when her mother started dating someone new and then became engaged only a few months later: “Every day we were with Jeremy and his two children. It got to the point where I never wanted to go to my mom’s because she spent all her time with Jeremy. She would talk to him and it seemed as though she wasn’t paying attention to things we had to say. I knew she loved him, but it felt like she loved him more than me at times.”

Take the children with you on certain dates, like to the park or movies, and include them in light-hearted conversations on these dates. This way, they still feel a part of your life while at the same time they are getting to feel comfortable around your friend or fiancé.  

Getting to know each other

If you are remarrying, it is also extremely important that the new member of the family unit spends some quality time with your children. A child has a right to get to know this new person on a personal level. After all, this person will be a member of the family, and the family is a very crucial factor in anyone’s life. Your kids also need to feel this new person will not try to take over completely.

As Lydia notes, “A new step-parent, or soon-to-be step-parent shouldn’t act like they’re the boss, at least not yet. I was blessed with a step-parent who loved me like a parent but acknowledged that I already had two parents who continually made decisions with my best interests at heart.”

Be realistic about relationships: children have enough love in their hearts to go around, but their relationship with you is most important. Although a child doesn’t have to dictate a parent’s love life, the child does have to be included in it. The bond between the parent and child should never be compromised — spend time with your date, fiancé and child separately, but make time for each other too.