s an online dating single, how would you react to an ad that read, “Wanted: Christian single. Must be willing to meet my needs?” Not so appealing, huh? But if many online dating singles were to be completely honest with themselves, their ads could be summarized in five words: “I am focused on myself.”

Divorced two years earlier and now nearing middle age, Art joined the Christian online dating scene to find fulfillment in the perfect companion. But like a soldier who finds himself in the middle of a battlefield, he landed in an entirely different playing ground than he'd imagined. It didn't take long before he realized that he and other online daters were so absorbed in seeking dream fulfillers that they missed out on a very important key in dating. As Art – who is now happily remarried – explains, “So many of us had it backwards. We were seeking love from others.”

This mindset can bring negative repercussions. JeriBeth, a woman in her 30s, and with a physical disability, is a good example. She says her early days in online dating found her trying to explicitly fulfill someone's ideals and requirements. “For someone with physical limitations,” she says, “it isn't easy.” She noticed several online daters simply scrolled through their options looking for whoever could please them the most. “It was the old 'what’s in it for me' thing.”

JeriBeth felt she had to pass exhaustive tests, “as if they went down a checklist and compared me to it to see if I qualified. And a few made no bones about it, verbalizing their wants, even down to the last little flaw.” Even among Christian online daters, JeriBeth found she was judged – and rejected – right at the outset based on insignificant physical flaws.

Practically speaking, as a member of an online dating community, you have to be in touch with your wants and needs. Otherwise, finding fulfillment in a relationship would be next to impossible. For instance, if you prefer tall men, you may not be attracted to a short man. If you hate seafood, you probably wouldn't want to marry a fisherman. But you should never become so focused on your own needs and desires that you forget that other online daters are also looking for love and attention. As a Christian single, you can strive to serve others with a Christ-like love.

Jesus said, “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34) Jesus served others. From washing his disciples' feet to the ultimate sacrifice on the cross, Jesus humbled himself selflessly before others. In doing so, he provided examples for us to follow in demonstrating love.

How can you display selflessness in the world of Christian online dating?

As a Christian single using online dating services, you can apply the Apostle Paul's instruction as you interact with other singles. “As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” (Colossians 3:12)

 

Compassion and kindness

Many online dating singles are hurting. Whether from loss through divorce or death, past abuse, betrayal or other painful experiences, men and women are often sad and lonely. As a Christian, you are in an opportune position to show compassion and kindness, often simply through listening. Just lending an ear can often be the perfect balm for an aching soul. In doing so, you are following Jesus' example of giving time and attention to those who need it. (Matthew 9:18-22).

Art says, for instance, that he sought to share God's love through kindness. “I tried to be polite, patient and understanding. If someone shared something painful or personal with me, I tried to respect her feelings and be considerate and sensitive,” he explains. “And I think I gave a few of the women I dated something they desperately needed: hope that they would find someone out there who would love them.”

Demonstrating kindness often requires you to step back and give others the spotlight. For instance, when an online dater introduces herself and talks about her life, you can demonstrate kindness through courtesy in allowing her to speak without interruption. Oftentimes, the temptation to jump in with something like, “Oh, I know exactly what you mean! When I ...” can be a rude interruption. But as 1 Corinthians 13:5 teaches, love is not rude.

Humility

Perhaps one of the most profound ways to exercise humility in online dating is to view others as equals. For instance, you could humbly resist the temptation to judge another by an unflattering photo. So what if the woman in the picture may not exactly look like someone you would want to parade around? Like you, she was also created by God in his image. If God loves her just as she is, could you?

Another way to display humility in online dating is to avoid bragging. 1 Corinthians 13:4 says that “love does not boast.” And while dating online often requires “advertising” yourself among your competitors, it never demands exaggerating your attributes and accomplishments. Again, if God created you in his image and loves you just as you are, you can simply relax and be yourself. While everyone may not accept you as you are, the right person will. In fact, your humility may be one of the features that makes you the most attractive.

Gentleness

Unfortunately, not all online dating relationships work out. When the occasion arises to break off communication with an online dater, it calls for gentleness. You can exercise gentleness when breaking up by taking your date’s feelings into consideration. Be open and honest and tactfully share your reasons for the break-up. Suddenly dropping all communication will only leave him feeling confused and hurt. But through honest, gentle communication, you can end the relationship without damaging the person's self-esteem.

Patience

Dating online requires patience, especially during the getting-to-know-you phase. While you may be in a rush to see your relationship blossom and perhaps deepen into something more permanent, you actually strengthen the relationship by exercising patience. Patience gives your potential match some room to breathe without the added pressure of trying to conform to your desire for a lasting relationship. And by displaying patience, you display confidence not just in yourself but also confidence in God's will to direct the relationship.

Clothing yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience and applying these attributes to your online dating relationships shows a willingness to live according to God's will. In the world of online dating, it is possible to remain selfless while searching for the right mate. Through your desire to live selflessly as Christ did, you allow God’s love to shine through you.