ex is a gift from God, given to married couples for the purpose of pleasure, procreation and unity, says Dr. Julianna Slattery, Christian psychologist and author of the new book, “No More Headaches: Enjoying Sex and Intimacy in Marriage" (Focus on the Family Publishing/Tyndale House Publishers, August 2009). Fourteen years after becoming a bride, Dr. Slattery says she feels like she is still trying to figure out the gift. And she's not alone. Many of the couples she counsels struggle with understanding and enjoying the precious gift of marital intimacy.

Most brides have ideas of what marriage and marital intimacy is like, based on the marriage models they saw while growing up. Dr. Slattery describes the models and influences she received. “I grew up in a wonderful Christian home. My parents are just getting ready to celebrate their 50th anniversary and are still in love with each other. And my aunt and uncle have been like a mentoring couple since I got married,” she explains.

In good marriages, she says, there is mutual respect for each other. They’re on the same team, no matter what they go through. There is also a balance of power; neither the man nor the woman tries to dominate the other.

In addition to marriages they observe, Dr. Slattery says women receive tons of advice that actually has a negative impact. Some of these are subtle messages such as marriage will meet all of a woman’s needs. Nobody actually says this to a future bride, but the message comes through media. She says women also receive flat-out destructive advice around the issue of submission. This advice results in the woman always being a strong woman and not letting her husband lead in the home, or it results in submissively doing whatever he says and not even providing advice if he asks for it. 

Good marriage models, as well as negative advice soon-to-be brides receive, set a certain expectation of what marriage will be like. However, the gift of sex in marriage often fails to meet women’s expectations.

When the gift of sex disappoints

“The gift is much more than we anticipate that it will be,” says Dr. Slattery. “We anticipate that it's going to be great right up front. We anticipate that there's not going to be problems. It's going to be pleasurable all the time. So when we find that doesn't happen, we pretty much want to chuck it and say, 'this isn't a gift. This is lousy. This is causing tension in our marriage.'”

Front cover of Dr. Julianna Slattery's book.

Laments like these prompted Dr. Slattery to write “No More Headaches.” As a speaker, she found that women’s responses and questions were overwhelming. “Women are so hungry for someone to be honest about the things they struggle with and tackle them from a Christian perspective.”

This is exactly what Dr. Slattery does in her new book. Her goal is to provide more than just the clinical perspective of a psychologist; she wants to reach women on a personal level. “I think this is maybe one of the only Christian books out there that has a combination of both clinical expertise and a girlfriend perspective.” She adds, “I think it is more honest than most Christian books that approach sex from a biblical perspective but tend to water down some of the questions that people really ask. I wanted to stay true to biblical principles but also be very real about what people say in a counseling room.”

Dr. Slattery says many women ask questions about what it means to be a “good wife.” They want to know if a good wife always submits to her husband or if a good wife refrains from certain sexual acts. Some women want to know why their husbands avoid sex. And many women are simply too tired for sex. “Many women just don't have the energy or the drive to keep up with their husband’s desire,” she says. “They get into a cycle of dreading sex and not enjoying it.”

She explains that most men and women think good sex revolves around the male’s needs. It’s easy to know when a man wants sex and when he’s satisfied. Dr. Slattery says it’s much easier to form a sexual relationship around the man’s needs instead of going deeper and really discovering what the woman’s needs are.

“I’d say probably 90-95 percent of marriages have the whole sexual relationship revolved around the man. So it becomes a chore for a woman, a constant need of the man that she has to sacrifice to meet. This is the first reason a lot of women struggle with finding any enjoyment out of sex and even become resentful about it.”

Dr. Slattery doesn't just address issues surrounding marital intimacy in the counseling room; she lives them. As a wife and mother, she describes herself as being “in the middle of it all” and says that it helps keep her honest when dealing with her clients' needs.

Let's talk about sex

Dr. Slattery chose a career in psychology because she believes God designed her with a natural interest and aptitude, wanting to understand the dynamics of how he created us interpersonally. She and her husband, Mike, have periodically gone to a counselor to work on their own marriage. “Counseling helps you communicate and address feelings that you don't even realize are there and helps eliminate assumptions that make you feel so rejected,” she states.

But she reports that most men simply aren't interested in talking about emotional issues. “Women want to know, 'What are you thinking and feeling?'” says Dr. Slattery. “But it's like pulling teeth to get men to go to counseling to talk about emotional things.” So what's a wife to do?

She can talk about sex. “If the wife says, 'Hey I want to work on our sex life. I want to read a book with you to help with our sex life,' she's got his attention,” explains Dr. Slattery. “A wife doesn't have to talk her husband into working on that kind of intimacy. Once she has his attention on physical intimacy, it's a lot easier to begin working on the emotional aspects.”

If Dr. Slattery could choose just one piece of advice for couples struggling with marital intimacy, she says it would be to “once a week, gather to pray about it. Most couples don't pray together. Even fewer pray about their sex life together. It's a huge step of inviting God to bring healing. And it's a very intimate thing to pray together, particularly about sexual intimacy.”