eanne picks up the tag of her tea bag and begins dunking the fragrant sack up and down inside the fragile china cup as though the menial action somehow helps her verbalize the thoughts that until now she has kept to herself.

“I struggle with emotions I have toward my husband. His words are always so biting – it’s like I can’t do anything to please him.” Tears begin to surface as Leanne, who is a newcomer to the group, recounts her morning. “I was so busy trying to get the kids ready for school, breakfast eaten, teeth brushed, hair combed and socks matched – it’s hard getting three of them up and ready for the day, much less out the door on time.”

Shari moves quietly behind Leanne’s chair and begins to softly rub her shoulders. The tears now brim over, evidence that Leanne’s pain is very real. “Kevin burst into the family room like a raging bull wanting to know why I hadn’t picked up his dry cleaning the day before,” Leanne continues. “That’s the thing – it doesn’t matter what I do; it’s never enough. Right at that moment, I was trying to brush Amy’s hair. I had to stop what I was doing to show him the dry cleaning I had hung in the coat closet and then help him find the shirt he was looking for.” 

Shari listens silently as Leanne shares her frustration. The comforting shoulder massage seems to ease Leanne’s tense emotions and the tears begin to subside. Gina, another member of the group admits that she often struggles with the same anxiety, but for a different reason.

“I’m not married yet,” Gina confides, “but my boyfriend is such a perfectionist. It makes me feel inadequate at times, because I feel like he has to improve on everything I do. When that happens I have to take a deep breath and step back because it’s not really how he is.” Gina pauses, carefully choosing her words. “Most of the time, he’s not aware of how I feel or even that he’s doing it. I’ve learned to recognize that sometimes I feel that way because I’m not as confident as I’d like to be.”

Shari takes her place at the kitchen table again with the five women who meet in her home every Tuesday morning. “I think there is something we can learn from what Gina just said, Leanne. What you’re going through with Kevin is something many of us struggle with. It goes deeper than the frazzled feelings caused by the many people pulling on us all at once or even how our husband or boyfriend treats us. We feel these emotions because something deeper triggers them.”

Jamie Massey, who co-pastors alongside her husband at Life Church International in Atlanta, Ga., agrees. “As a women’s pastor, I frequently hear women share these types of feelings. When women discuss these kinds of emotions in counseling, I try to help them discover when they first started having these feelings. It is not uncommon for them to realize that it didn’t begin with their spouse. Often it goes into something deeper that may have a history behind it.”

Find the truth

Massey, who holds a bachelor’s degree in Christian Thought with an emphasis in Christian counseling, trains women how to effectively mentor others. “It is so important for women to consider the source of their security and significance because our sense of self-worth can be so easily displaced,” she says.  “If our personal significance and security is rooted in another person, rather than in God, it’s easy to lose our identity.”

Massey goes on to discuss the commonality that women share in struggling with issues that affect self-esteem. “In a survey of over 1,000 Christian women who were asked to reveal what makes them feel loved, many gave answers based on their relationships with spouses or boyfriends. Over and over women stated that they feel loved when their significant other compliments their appearance or gives them affection. I found it alarming that not one out of over 1,000 Christian women answering the survey stated that they feel loved because they have a relationship with Jesus Christ.”

The group of women who meet weekly at Shari’s home are learning, like Gina, to change some of the patterns of thinking that can feed low self-esteem. Together, under Shari’s mentoring, they use the Bible to find out what God’s perspective of them is, and they examine the truth of God’s Word against what they think and feel about themselves.   

Tune out the lies

Massey underscores the importance of rooting one’s self-image in the Word of God. “As we grow in our relationship with Jesus Christ, we can begin to see some of the lies that we accept about ourselves. Those lies distort the truth of what God says about us.”

She continues, “When our inner voice starts ringing out lies that sound like ‘I’m not good enough,’ or ‘I can never do anything right’ or even ‘I’m not loveable the way I am,’ it’s time to step back and consider the truth of how God sees us.”

“There are also many women who are in difficult relationships, and they may experience unhealthy responses from their husband or boyfriend or other men. The Word of God strengthens our identity. When our identity is rooted in Christ, we can respond from a healthy self-image, even if our partner is not able to give us the validation we would like to have,” Massey explains.

“It is crucial to remember that learning who you are in Christ is a process. Healing takes time,” Massey says. She reminds women that learning to identify and release unhealthy thinking patterns is an ongoing process that does not happen overnight. “First you learn who you are and then you begin to apply what you learn. It’s an ongoing process, and you have to work at it.”

Applaud your true identity

Asked for her advice to women who find themselves struggling with these kinds of thoughts and emotions, Massey suggests that seeking sound godly counsel is a good beginning. “It doesn’t have to be a professional counselor, but seek out someone you trust who is firmly rooted in the Word of God,” she advises. “Join a Bible study group focused on discovering who you are in Christ and then personalize what you learn. Who you are in Christ is how God sees you. When you make that real, you discover the identity and the inner strength that he intends you to have.”

Massey goes on to point out, “It is always important to discuss your feelings with your husband or boyfriend because he may not understand how his statements affect you. We need to discuss with our partner what makes us feel validated and then work together to practice validating each other. Few people come from healthy backgrounds, so learning to live a healthy relationship takes time and takes practice. Little things mean a lot, so practice validating each other for even the smallest of things.”

Lastly, Massey reminds women, “Question those emotions that threaten to undermine your sense of self-worth and ask yourself if you are satisfied with what you’ve accomplished. Don’t be afraid to applaud yourself. Take the emphasis off what anyone else says and put it on what God says about you. Love yourself! If you did your best, give the glory to God and then take a moment to pat yourself on the back.”