hen was the last time you had an important conversation with your wife, girlfriend, or other woman who is significant in your life and she didn’t understand you? Chances are, she expressed her frustration with you. Because of what she said, did you end up feeling unappreciated, not respected, or that you just can’t do anything right in her eyes? Men tend to handle such situations with one of three behaviors – which only make the situation worse. Meet Wesley, Dwayne and Lou, three men who share their stories of such incidents and how they decided to improve the communication aspect of their relationships.

Wesley set aside time to talk with his wife Melinda about their money. “I was trying to explain the importance of our setting up a budget, but she just didn’t understand why it was necessary to have one. The conversation got heated, and she starting crying. She said I hurt her feelings, that I was talking down to her and making her think she wasn’t smart enough to understand about money. But that isn’t what I was doing, and I don’t understand why she took it that way.”

Wesley states also that this conversation came on the heels of one the day before, where his wife had “complained” that he wasn’t doing his fair share of the housework chores. That conversation had an unsuccessful outcome too. Frustrated, feeling as if he couldn’t do anything right because he couldn’t successfully discuss important things without hurting his wife’s feelings, he shoved his paper with notes about budget planning onto the floor and walked away.

“I wanted to avoid conflict and I didn’t know any other way to do it,” he recalls.

Walking away blew up in his face. They were both frustrated and didn’t want to talk. After he had time to cool down, Wesley chose to do what Ephesians 4:26 advises: “… do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” He went back and apologized to his wife for his behavior. They decided to talk about their budget when they were not frustrated and when they had more time to talk it through and really listen to each other’s views.

Respect and self-worth

Dwayne, who lives with his two sisters, recently experienced a conversational problem with them. “Trying to decide where we should live,” he says, “was terrible.” He laughs one of those laughs you do when you really don’t know what else to say and shrugs his broad shoulders. “I had my thoughts and they had theirs.”

He exhales an exasperated breath. The tension of the experience is still fresh, now more than a year later. “My sisters and I felt like it would be a great idea to live together for a season. We could save some money and it would be a great opportunity to connect. The challenge came when we had to decide which apartment to choose. They were concerned about location, but I was concerned about price. And, of course, living with girls, you have to have plenty of room.”

His first response was to be passive; he told his sisters he wouldn’t take part in the final determination. “I felt like my opinion didn’t matter,” he says. “It was like they didn’t respect me,” he adds.

Like anything worthwhile, clear communication requires effort. After talking with his friend about his frustration, Dwayne realized that he hadn’t fully communicated his thoughts to his sisters because he thought they should just value his opinion without his having to explain all the details.

“My reasoning was that we could find a nice enough place to live in for a year and save up enough money to eventually move to a place that fit what we really wanted,” Says Dwayne. “But I didn’t explain that very well to them.”

Once he understood the root of the problem was his lack of a full explanation of his reasoning, coupled with his self-worth feelings about deserving respect, he talked with his sisters again, patiently helping them see what he envisioned. They all agreed upon an apartment, have had a very good experience sharing an apartment and are now planning for the future.

Dwayne worked past his frustration and low sense of self-worth, convinced that nothing can “separate us from the love of God” (Romans 8:39), not even his feelings. He realized that his value was not based on his sisters’ opinions about him, but God’s opinion. He then determined to pray for God’s wisdom as to where to move, and he and his sisters committed to doing that in all circumstances.

It’s in the details

Lou describes a communication problem with his wife.” I had a grandiose vision for a back yard garden. It didn’t seem all that complicated to me. But when I told Charmaine about my wonderful idea, she just looked at me as if I was crazy. She threw her hands up in frustration and said, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me! There’s no way there is enough room for a garden in this yard.’”

“I painted a word picture for her, pointing at where a rose bush would go and some stones would go, but she still didn’t understand and said it wouldn’t work,” he says. Lou adds that the experience was particularly frustrating because he had planned the garden in the first place to be a place of enjoyment for his wife, yet she wasn’t pleased. Shaking his head almost in disbelief, Lou recalls, “I thought I was being clear and that she understood, but that wasn’t the case.”

Lou decided not to walk away from his idea and their communication problem. Instead, he used a technique that is so important when one person is a visionary, “big-picture” thinker and the other is an analytic or detail-oriented person – communicate in a style that the hearer can understand. “So I drew a detailed diagram for her, with everything to scale so that she could clearly see what I wanted to do.”

Lou’s wife consented and let him develop the garden and, in the midst of his work, she caught the vision and wholeheartedly agreed that it would not only work but that she really liked it. Now they have a lovely garden they enjoy together.

Commit to resolve issues

Dwayne, Lou and Wesley overcame their feeling that they couldn’t do anything right or couldn’t please the women in their lives. If you experience these feelings and thoughts, keep in mind the truth – that God places enormous value on you. This will help you overcome the feelings that arise from your significant woman’s unenthusiastic or negative responses to your communications.

Above all, remember that unresolved issues fester and, if they occur frequently, can grow into big relationship problems. Commit to not walk away from unresolved issues. Instead, talk with the woman and ask for her suggestions on how to resolve them. Remember that part of communicating is also listening.

The Bible includes many instructions for Christians to live in peace with others. And the Lord designed marriage such that the man and woman become one. Unresolved issues are clearly not God’s plan for relationships.

Christ in you will help you in circumstances when you are tempted to walk away. “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (I Corinthians 10:13)