olly and Jim had been married less than a year and their marriage was on the rocks. Our pastor was on vacation, and they called me for help. I knew the couple and was also the chairman of the board of elders at their church. When Jim called me, he said if they kept on as they were going they would end in divorce. In fact, they had already talked about it. But as Christians they did not want that to happen, believing divorce was not what the Word of God teaches.

Picture-perfect couple

Jim and Molly met when Jim started attending our church. It was love at first sight for both of them. Molly was a slim five-foot-eight-inch girl with clear skin and beautiful auburn hair - the kind of girl you look at twice because you don't believe what you are seeing. She had been a cheerleader in high school and was admired by all the students and teachers. Molly was also a favorite at church.

At six feet, two inches, with dark curly hair, ruggedly handsome and with an outgoing personality, Jim was a catch for any girl. He worked as a carpenter and had already bought his own home and was remodeling it in his spare time. His mother bragged about her son to anyone who would listen, and his father had nothing but praise for his son who had followed in his footsteps as a carpenter and builder. Jim and his dad were close and often had coffee or lunch together.

Molly and Jim's courtship was interesting to watch, for they only had eyes for each other. It was obvious to all of us observing them that a marriage was in the works. After a year, they were married. She was almost 19 years old; he was about 22.

After their honeymoon, they settled down to wedded bliss and gave all the appearance of being a happy couple - always holding hands and gazing at each other, even at church.

There were no outward signs of trouble. But in their home, they were living in a battlefield.

She was the only girl in her family, rather spoiled by her parents and was not prepared for marriage or for being a housewife.

Addressing a marriage in crisis

I was shocked at what I saw when I arrived at Jim and Molly's home when they called for help. Molly's hair was a mess. Her face was streaked with mascara and tears. She was in a large chair, with her feet and legs tucked under her and her arms wrapped around her body. She looked small, desperate and lonely.

Jim was across the room in another chair. He was grim faced, clenching his fists, and looked like he could easily become violent. Their appearance and attitude toward each other made it pretty clear they were in the midst of an argument when I arrived.

I asked them to tell me what they were arguing about. Molly was quick to answer. It was the way Jim's mother treated her, she said. "She treats me like a child, tells me how to cook and what Jim's favorites are. She tells me ‘hints' on how to clean house, do laundry and how Jim likes his clothes to be pressed or folded. She makes me feel like I can't do anything right."

Molly said she felt like there was a secret window through which her mother-in-law was watching her all the time. Of course Molly often called her own mother to vent her complaints after these visits. Her mother consoled her but had no advice on how to counteract the problem.

I asked how Jim's mother knew all those details about Molly as a housewife. Neither seemed to know, but they were both sure the two mothers were at the seat of the problem.

Turning to Jim, I asked, "You and you father meet quite often, don't you? What do you talk about over coffee or lunch?" With a puzzled look on his face, Jim replied their conversations were just small talk, sometimes about the jobs they were working on. "And he usually asks how things are going with Molly and me," he added.

"What do you tell him?"

"I usually tell him the truth about our relationship, thinking maybe he might have some advice," Jim said.

"Did it ever occur to you that he might repeat those conversations to your mother?" I asked. "That could be how she knows what is going on and why she is trying so hard to fix things. Both of your parents love you very much and want you to have a happy marriage."

I saw their troubles as a typical problem of relying on their parents to solve their problems. I suggested we look at Genesis 2:24: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."

"Do you think you two have really left your fathers and mothers as the Bible says you should?"

They both stared at me and then at each other - and then smiled. They readily admitted they had not.

I suggested that Jim stop telling his father about their problems. If his father asked questions about how things were going, he should just say "fine" and let it go at that. I also advised Molly to stop complaining to her mother.

"Marriage is like a beautiful rose bush," I told them. "For it to grow and flourish with blossoms, it needs to have water regularly. In marriage, the water is praise and love for the partner. Like a rose bush, a marriage without praise and love will not flourish. And harsh criticism is like a hard freeze on roses, but compliments are like the warm summer sun."

I rose to leave, and they stood and held hands and thanked me for the advice, promising they would do all they could to follow it. They smiled and said they couldn't believe their problems could be solved so easily.

Living happily ever after

To stay married, keep the secrets of your marriage in your marriage. They do not belong in the public. This is also good advice if you are contemplating marriage. Start off on the right foot by not telling others, especially parents, about problems you may have.

I checked with them in a few weeks to see how it was going, and they were happy and practicing the biblical advice, "The two shall be one." That was several years ago.

Recently I met Molly at a wedding celebration, and she introduced me to their three beautiful three daughters.