scar Wilde said that “Life imitates art.” Clearly he didn’t live in the American South during March Madness. If he had, he would have observed that life, particularly in relationships, imitates basketball. Now, there are sports analogies aplenty, making them easy to write off as “locker room talk;” but we must take care not to lump them all into the same category. Some require further consideration, especially when people’s hearts are on the line.

A quick Internet search for “rebound dating” yields both definitions and advice on the subject. The term, of course, refers to relationships entered into shortly after one or both partners has ended a serious relationship; and it is meant to evoke thoughts of a shot being taken, rejected, and then immediately made available to and taken by the opposing team. This can happen through the break-up of a dating relationship, a divorce, or (God forbid) the death of a spouse. In each case, someone finds him or herself “back in the game,” and it is then that he or she begins to consider the next play.

Most people believe that rebound dating is a bad idea, saying that the emotionally wounded are incapable of clear thought and rational decision-making with regards to relationships. Following a break-up, people long to be in a relationship, so they are prone to rush into something before they are “ready.” Common secular advice says that this is fine as long as everyone involved knows that they are in a rebound relationship, and therefore not to expect it to go anywhere. Common Christian advice holds that this is not fair to the other person, that he or she can never be anything more than just a “rebound guy/girl,” and that the broken-hearted should wait a while before trying to date again to allow time for proper mourning and healing.

Sound advice, to be sure, but is it the only way to go?

A Princeton University study looked at the effects of shorter and longer time periods between divorce and remarriage on the stability of the second marriage. It found that the time between the two marriages had no significant effect on the stability of the second marriage. That is, remarriages were just as successful after a short “rebound time” as they were after a long one.

The study admittedly only applies to divorce and remarriage and, therefore, could be inapplicable to rebound dating; but in either case, three things are true.

Jesus is Lord

In following Jesus, a tug-of-war constantly takes place, pulling Christians between God’s will and pragmatism. Of course it makes more sense to wait a while after a longstanding relationship ends before beginning a new one. But what if God chooses to remove you from one dating relationship so that he can place you in a better relationship – one where he would receive more glory and fame, where you could better grow to know him, and where you and your partner could better serve his people? Or what if he has you in mind to help someone who has just gone through a painful break-up, restoring that person with the selfless love that you have to give? And what if his timing is different from your ideal timing (which seems to generally be the case)?

A new relationship should undoubtedly be entered into only following prayer and wise counsel indicating that it’s a good thing – but isn’t this true of any new relationship? Why should rebound relationships be any different, as if our friends’ advice decides God’s will, as if our feelings of readiness dictate his timing?

Love is a choice

God’s plans for you may include any number of things for which you feel ill prepared; but in all of them, you have a choice to love the other people involved or not. Whether God calls you to a new career, location or romantic relationship, it is your decision to love or not. This means sticking around when things get difficult or when you start to see the brokenness in each other’s lives. It means encouraging one another to seek Christ and be more like him. It means dying to yourself so that your partner can thrive. Couples who enter into a rebound relationship with the knowledge that they’re simply killing time or goofing off until a “real” relationship comes along are not choosing to love each other. They are only out to serve themselves, and that is a big reason behind the failure of many relationships. 

We must have hearts of servants

Both the person who has just gotten out of a serious relationship and the new person he or she is dating must be in the new relationship not to be served, but to serve (Mark 10:43-45). Scripture says it in a lot of different ways, but it’s clear that we are not our own (1 Corinthians 7:23), we belong to a bigger picture, a larger network (1 Corinthians 12). Animals serve their own needs; we have a higher calling. We are responsible for carrying our own weight, and we are instructed to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2-5). Servanthood, therefore, is the only answer. Our weight – the weight for which we are responsible – is the burden of our brother or sister, and vice versa. In no situation can we think of ourselves first. We must always look for opportunities to help someone else.

So if you find yourself at the end of a serious relationship, interested in someone new, pray. And if you find that someone freshly single is interested in you, pray. Ask God for wisdom, as James instructs, and seek the wisdom of others as well. If God leads you into a relationship, don’t let the past stop his work in the present. But if you find that the Lord tells you both to wait a while, then allow him time to heal the hurt and brokenness caused by the break-up. Don’t rush into a new relationship simply because you’re trying to fill a void in your life or because you want to feel good about yourself by playing savior for someone else. Remember that at all times, God’s grace is sufficient for you. Trust in that, lean on him, and then you’ll better be able to love and serve others rather than yourself, which will make for a better relationship no matter what the circumstances.