ucking horrible traffic, Susan glanced at the clock on her dashboard. No way she could travel 12 miles in 5 minutes. For the second time this week, she’d be late for work.

She tightened her hold on the steering wheel and took a deep breath. If her husband Gary hadn’t started an argument again this morning, she would have been able to leave on time. What was it with him lately? He seemed uptight about everything and just didn’t understand her anymore.

She screeched into the parking lot at exactly 8:10, bolted out of her car, and ran to her office. Catching her breath, she flew in the door.

“Well, good morning, gorgeous!” Ted, her coworker, greeted her with a big smile. “I just poured myself a cup of coffee. Let me get one for you.”
 
Tension slid off her soul like melted butter off a spoon. She smiled. “That sounds great.”

Her heart tingled at Ted’s compliment and warmed at his gesture of kindness. They were a far cry from Gary’s shouting that morning. And every morning the past week, for that matter. Too bad Gary couldn’t be more like Ted. If he were, maybe things would be different.

It wasn’t long before Susan and Ted were meeting regularly, not only for morning coffee but also for lunch. Then Ted started calling her at home. Susan eventually found herself complaining to him about Gary.

Inwardly, she rationalized she wasn’t doing anything wrong. Ted was just a friend, nothing more. And with Gary always on her back, she needed a friend now more than ever.

Unmet emotional needs

After money problems, unmet emotional needs are the second major cause of divorce. The greatest unmet emotional need is the need for understanding.

Statistics show that when divorced people examine what led up to their divorce, they almost always cite not only a lack of understanding from their spouse, but also an abundance of understanding from someone else of the opposite sex.

Emotional adultery begins with emotional divorce. Unfortunately, most couples do not recognize the signs of emotional divorce until after the emotional adultery begins.

Signs of emotional divorce

How does one recognize the signs of emotional divorce? Here are some red flags:

• Feeling continually misunderstood. All marriages have times when a spouse feels misunderstood. But when this feeling persists over long periods of time, the marriage may be slipping into emotional divorce. If you cannot overcome feeling misunderstood simply by discussing it with your spouse and resolving the issue, then you may need outside help.

• Living as married singles. Married singles live under the same roof but lead separate lives. The husband has his friends and activities, the wife has hers, and never the twain shall meet.

• Having nothing to talk about. When couples no longer have exciting things to share in conversation, something is wrong. If you find that you and your spouse no longer have anything to talk about – other than your children or money – it’s time to ask why.

• Constant criticism. Criticism can be overt or covert. Regardless, it is still criticism and it is a sign that your marriage is in trouble. If you continually feel as though you are walking on eggs, as though you can do nothing right, then you may be on the road to emotional adultery. Criticism of minor issues often indicates that a larger issue needs addressing.

• Sustained silence. A change in communication patterns can also signal emotional divorce. If your spouse no longer lets you in on what happens at work or in his personal life, your marriage needs help.
 
• Repeatedly arguing about the same issues. A marriage is never static. It is either going forward or backward. If you find that you and your spouse are arguing about the same things over and over again, then your marriage is regressing. If you and your spouse have issues that seem irresolvable, seek the help of a biblically trained marriage counselor.

• Escaping into activities that keep you isolated from your spouse. These include watching television, working on your computer, or spending all your free time golfing. If such escapism becomes common or addictive, then it may be a mechanism to avoid confronting deep marital issues that require your immediate attention.

• A lessening or lack of physical intimacy. Intimacy is essential in building a strong marriage and in keeping it strong. When physical intimacy decreases, it means that emotional intimacy has also decreased.

Restoring your marriage

If your marriage shows signs of emotional divorce, what can you do?

1. Pray. Since God created marriage, he alone can restore it. Scripture states that the fervent prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective (James 5:16). Even if your spouse does not want to improve your marriage, you and God are a majority. With God on your side, and with steadfast prayer and persistent love, you can save your marriage.

2. Seek first to understand. Stephen Covey made this principle popular in his “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” (Simon & Schuster, 1989). The principle is also a habit that works in marriage. Instead of focusing on being understood, focus on understanding your spouse. Listen – really listen – to what she is saying. Hear her heart.
 
3. Determine to honor and serve your spouse as though you were honoring and serving the Lord, for you are. Look beyond your spouse’s faults and see him as God sees him – a magnificent creation of God worthy of your respect and love.

4. Put your spouse above everything else except your relationship with God. Make time for each other. Time spent together strengthens the bonds of love and fans the dying embers of romance.

5. Never take your marriage for granted. Instead, as Scripture admonishes, “Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds;” (Proverbs 27:23).

You are the shepherd of your marriage. Watch over it carefully, and it will last you a lifetime.