hen his wife Tara returned to work after a year’s sabbatical following the birth of their first child, Rick felt relieved. A year without Tara’s salary had put a major crunch in their finances. Now, the extra income would greatly reduce the added financial pressure of a new baby and a new house. But when Tara started obsessing over Todd, her new boss, Rick wondered if the extra money were worth it.

One evening, when Tara’s exuberance about Todd went a bit overboard, Rick exploded. “You know, I’m really getting tired of your talking about how great this guy Todd is. What’s going on here?”

Shocked, Tara looked him squarely in the eye. “Nothing’s going on, Rick, except your jealous thinking. The man’s married, for goodness’ sake.” She threw down her napkin. “And so am I, in case you’ve forgotten.” With that, she rose and stalked out of the kitchen.

Silenced by her reaction, Rick began to regret his words. Once again, he’d acted like a silly teenager. His fear of losing Tara to another man had resurfaced, gripping him with tormenting jealousy. He had to get the jealousy under control once and for all.

But how?

The anatomy of jealousy

Jealousy stems from fear. Unlike envy, which is an inordinate desire for something or someone one does not or cannot have, jealousy is the fear of losing someone or something one already has. When a spouse becomes jealous, it is almost a sure sign of an underlying self-image problem.

Jealousy compares oneself with another and always comes up short. Jealousy arises from a failure to recognize one’s worth and one’s God-given ability to gain and keep the love of another. Because jealousy has its roots in fear, it will, if not uprooted, attract the thing it fears; namely, the loss of the loved one.

Beating jealousy at its own game

So what can a jealous spouse do to overcome her jealousy? Here are a few proven tips:

1) Look to God for your worth, not to your spouse. Only God can assign worth, and he has clearly indicated your worth by sending Jesus Christ to die for you so that you might live. There is no greater testimony to your worth than the Cross of Christ.

A healthful self-image begins at the foot of the Cross. When you understand that only God can give you worth and that you are eternally valuable in his eyes, you will not look to another person for your worth. As you look to God for your worth, you will grow confident and secure. You will also become more attractive to others, particularly your spouse.

2) Think trusting thoughts about your spouse. Trust begets trust. This is a psychological law. If you trust your spouse, he subconsciously senses it and will respond with behavior worthy of your trust. If you don’t trust your spouse, he subconsciously senses your lack of trust and may respond accordingly. People rise to the level of your expectations. So expect your spouse to be faithful and he will. Verbalize your trust in him and choose actions that prove your trust.

3) Resist the temptation to read into everything. The eyes of jealousy are prone to deception. They see wrongdoing where there is none. They read underlying meanings where there are none. They hear underlying double-entendres where none exist.

Rick read into Tara’s exuberance about Todd. Although she was simply expressing her immense relief at having a boss with a much more effective leadership style than her previous boss, Rick misinterpreted her praise of Todd as something more than it really was. He allowed his mind to go in the wrong direction and experienced jealousy as a result.

When a thought enters your mind to doubt your spouse, take control of that thought and give it to Jesus. Then replace the negative thought with a positive one. Refuse to read into your spouse’s words or actions something that isn’t there.

4) Spend time doing something you enjoy. Jealousy breeds best in idle moments. Time spent developing a talent or a hobby will help boost your confidence and lower your jealousy level. It is a psychological truism that what the mind focuses on will grow. So if you focus your mind on developing yourself and your talents, you won’t have time to harbor thoughts that provoke jealousy.

5) Talk openly with your spouse about your jealous feelings. Satan operates in darkness, so whatever you expose to the light strikes a serious blow at Satan’s operations. Bring your jealousy to the light. Admit your fears and enlist your spouse’s help in overcoming them. Ask your spouse to pray with you. Praying together will help you keep your focus where it should be – on God who will enable you to overcome jealousy.

6) Focus on meeting your spouse’s needs. Jealousy concerns itself more about its own needs than about one’s spouse’s needs. Be intentional and deliberate in meeting your spouse’s needs. Place time with your spouse as a top priority, right after your time with God.

As you focus on meeting your spouse’s needs, you will get your eyes off yourself. In so doing, you will find your jealousy level diminishing because a jealous person is usually a self-centered person.

7) Seek professional help. If you find yourself still fighting jealousy after having taken the above steps, you may benefit from the help of a trained counselor or pastor. Your jealousy may have its roots in a deep-seated, childhood emotional issue, or it may be the result of a generational curse or a spiritual stronghold from which you need deliverance.

8) Place yourself, your spouse and your marriage in God’s hands. God has a vested interest in your marriage because he designed it to represent to the world Christ’s relationship to his Church. So you can be sure that God wants to help you with your problem of jealousy. Give it over to him and ask him to heal you.

He will.