o you don’t understand women. They cry for no apparent reason, they overanalyze everything, and they always think there’s something wrong with the way they look even though there clearly is not. No one understands women all the time. Sometimes, they don’t even comprehend themselves. Twelve women engaged in some introspection in a survey on women’s perspectives. Read on to find out what they think men ought to know about women.

The 12 women’s responses can be summed up almost entirely with one word: respect. It’s really that simple. You just have to understand what respect means to women. For most women, respect means being heard, being seen, being informed and, in romance, being pursued and led.

Hint-dropping has a purpose

You may have experienced this situation. Following a holiday or birthday, a woman in your life is upset with you for not getting her the gift she’d hoped for. Baffled, you rack your brain trying to remember her saying that she wanted that thing, but nothing comes to mind. She insists that she made it clear by dropping various hints. “I’m not a mind-reader,” you retort; but this is no excuse. She thinks you should have known. 

When you don’t pick up on her hints, in her mind, it’s because you’re not trying as hard to understand her as she is to understand you.

This is a perfect illustration of a woman’s desire to be heard. She knows you cannot read her mind, and in many situations, she will be glad to tell you exactly what she wants. But there are other times when she wants you to do some extra work as a way to get to know her more deeply. In these cases, her goal is not to get the thing she’s hinting at, but to grow your relationship. Feeling that you don’t care enough to make the effort of really hearing her is far more disappointing than not getting some thing. Furthermore, if she has to spell out for you exactly what she wants, then it loses all value. A gift has value because you value her enough to think of it yourself.

When you don’t pick up on her hints, in her mind, it’s because you’re not trying as hard to understand her as she is to understand you. She’s hurt, not angry. But the good news is that simply trying to understand the women in your life will go a long way.

Inside every woman is a little girl in a twirly dress

To understand women, you must know this: girls love dresses that flare out when they spin around. When they wear a “twirly dress,” they feel beautiful, like Cinderella at the ball – poor, downtrodden, never-appreciated Cinderella, who, in her gown, turned every head and won the heart of the prince. 

Whether it’s physical beauty, giftedness or a job well done, a woman wants to hear that a man values and cherishes her and thinks she’s beautiful. 

This desire is linked closely to a woman’s desire for a man to pursue her, so be careful how you express your respect of her beauty, talents or even personality if you’re not pursuing her romantically. In a professional relationship, for example, treat a female coworker professionally, like any other coworker.

Women respond to words and attention, so it’s important to be very clear in your friendships with women about what your intentions are. In romantic and non-romantic relationships, informing a girl of your intentions is very important. Don’t think she knows automatically what you want out of a relationship just because you call or e-mail her daily as a friend; or if you go out to eat together, don’t assume she knows it means you’re on a date if you pay for dinner. If you want to just be friends, say it explicitly. If you want to date a woman, say that too.

And in a romantic relationship, please go out of your way to tell that girl how beautiful, smart, stylish and talented you think she is. Compliment her shoes, celebrate her achievements, encourage her in all her endeavors because you believe in her. These are exactly the kinds of things she wants to hear from you.

Just like the Beatles said, “You were made to go out and get her”

And, finally, a word on pursuit. It’s risky. There’s always a chance that she won’t be interested in you, and you’ll feel crushed and emasculated. But it’s your role as a man to pursue a woman the way Christ (the bridegroom) pursues his people (the bride). When a woman rejects you, then you know how God feels when you reject him. Take that moment to repent of the sin in your life. Then, allow God to heal you, build you up, regenerate you, speak life and wholeness into you, and reassure you that your worth and manhood are not determined by the love of any woman. 

Then, when you are smitten again, take the risk of pursuit again. Do it because you are sure that who you are does not depend on whether or not she says yes, because you look forward to the time when you can experience the parts of God you can only see through marriage, and because she is so incredible that you can’t help yourself. 

And once you get her, don’t stop pursuing her. Work hard every day to deepen your relationship. Listen when she speaks and when she doesn’t. Try to see beyond her surface to what’s really going on underneath. If you don’t understand why she’s crying, ask her. Listen, help her if she needs it; and when there’s nothing you can do, give her a hug. Tell her she is lovely in every way. Tell her she’s the most amazing woman you know. Tell her she’s never looked so beautiful. Tell her you want to love and serve her for the rest of your life. Pray with her and for her. Set the example in your home of what it means to follow Christ, and let her follow you in that.