alking about race is frightening. We’re afraid we may say the wrong thing, offend, or be perceived as racist. We might get angry or defensive. We frequently leave race-related conversations feeling irritated and injured. My prayer is that this article will give you the willingness and the tools necessary for purposeful and effective conversations about race.

I know some reading this may ask, Why bother? I mean in the Unites States we did just elect our first black president. Isn’t the issue of race dead? Besides, why would I risk such a challenging topic with those I’m closest to? My answer is simple – because what Martin Luther King, Jr. said so many years ago is true today, “Sunday is the most segregated day of the week.” Statistics say that 70-95 percent of the nation's churches are racially segregated.

We, as believers, should set the example for racial harmony. Instead the church has become the symbol of voluntary segregation. Christians choose to separate on Sundays. How can we eliminate racism and prejudice and move towards resolution if those who profess to follow Christ can’t even worship together and recognize the church’s role in racial reconciliation?

What would Jesus do?

My husband and I have been married for over 20 years. Since I am black and he is white, we know first hand how difficult the issue of race is to discuss, even with those you’re closest to.
 
Typically, American society is reactive when it comes to race discussions. In our opinion, we need to be more proactive. We need to sit down with people who are different and have honest conversations about race.

We turned to Scripture for guidance. We noticed it was often through difficult conversations in diverse relationships – with the Samaritan woman, tax collectors, prostitutes, fisherman – that Jesus ministered most. We also took note of Romans 10:12, “For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile – the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, … .”

Then there were Jesus’ exhortations in the gospels to “love your neighbor as yourself.” Part of loving your neighbors, we concluded, was getting to know them and their experiences.

Through scriptures like these and through prayer, my husband and I initiated a discussion group in our home. We invited a diverse group of friends to meet weekly to discuss race in our lives, in the church and in society. Thankfully, we had a willing group of participants representing a variety of races.

Now what?

One of the many things Jesus was a master at was asking great questions. He asked, Who do you say I am? What is it you want? If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Could you men not keep watch with me for an hour? Again, following his example, we started our group by asking questions.

Here are some questions you might ask:

• What was your initial response when I first told you I wanted to talk about race?
• Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were being discriminated against? How did you react?
• Do you believe racism still exists?
• Are there any stereotypes you believe to be true of another race?
• What is one thing you want me to know about your experience with race?

We also watched movies (try “Crash,” “Mississippi Burning,” “Miss Evers’ Boys” or “Rosewood”) and answered discussion questions. What messages did you see about racism? What emotions did this film evoke in you? What were your general first impressions of the movie? What about the film made you uncomfortable? Do you feel the images portrayed were accurate?

Any of these questions will spark discussion, sometimes heated, sometimes hurtful.

What about the hurt?

James 1:19-29 warns, “… Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. …”

And in Colossians 4:5-6, “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”

Based on Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone,” each group member made a decision to follow this command. We allowed grace and in some cases agreed to disagree. We were willing to listen and, even more so, willing to examine our own prejudices and repent.

I heard and said some hurtful things, but everyone in the room knew my motive was reconciliation, peace and understanding. We knew beforehand that nothing said would end our friendships.

I guess some reading this might think it’s unrealistic to assume that relationships won’t end as the result of difficult discussions. This only happens with the Holy Spirit. With men this might seem impossible, but with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).

Was it worth it?

In our discussion group, we discovered sin, opened old wounds, prayed for one another and forgave one another. God ignited openness, acceptance and empathy for each person in the group.

Yes, talking about race is frightening. But the discomfort and awkwardness pale in comparison to the opportunity to strengthen our relationships, broaden our thinking and integrate our churches.

Editor's note: This article is an op-ed and, therefore, reflects the opinions of the writer.