arents with 12-year olds are probably already beginning to see that the parenting tools that worked when the child was in third grade are failing miserably now. The once-compliant, easy-going, respectful child may now be vying for independence — from her parents. This is normal.

Adolescence is a time for growth and change and hormonal discord. It is a difficult time for kids and an equally challenging time for parents who aren’t quite sure how to handle the changes. Rest easy; adolescent/parent relationships do not have to be adversarial. There are some basic tools and tricks of the trade that parents can enlist to ensure their preteen will be ushered into the teenage years and promoted to adulthood with grace and a minimum of discord. Here are some essentials for a preteen parenting toolbox.

Get a new toolbox. Many parents have one of three approaches to parenting:  

1) I will do what my parents did. I turned out OK.
2) I will do the exact opposite of everything my parents did. They were horrible parents.
3) My parents did OK, but I want more for my child than I had.

The problem with these premises is that they are from an old tool chest. Kids are not the same today, and times are different. Teens today have pressures that were never even considered years ago. Internet predators, the war on terrorism, a 50 percent divorce rate and guns in schools is just a sampling of the issues teens struggle with.

The rules that worked for past generations will not work today. A new toolbox should include the following essential “tools.”

Communicate with God. The first line of defense is communication with God. Before stocking any tool kit, pray. Pray for children and the pressures they will be under. Adolescence is a time when kids need validation. For example, even if parents don’t agree with the significance of MySpace in their child’s life, they can validate the importance of the site for him and his friends.

On that note, parents can also pray for their child’s friends. If a seven-year-old has a friend her parents don’t like, the parents could probably talk her into dropping that friend. As a preteen parent, the best course of action is to pray for that friend. Any words said against a teen relationship will probably only strengthen that friendship. The teenage desire for independence will win over common sense almost every time.

Communicate with your child. Parents should also be available for their children to talk to. Parents sometimes react in ways that alienate the child. Picking which battles to fight is a skill parents can adopt. For example, if a child is trying to decide on what outfit to wear or how to handle a poor friendship, parents can listen and try not to judge or fix it. Children really don’t always want advice.

More than anything, communicating love and esteem the child will make an impact. Validating a child’s feelings and being available are important tools to grasp.

Bargaining and contracting for independence. Even if a preteen treats her parents like an alien who doesn’t understand anything, she still wants and needs boundaries. Parents are still the single most important influence in her life. The tool here is to not be too strict and to create a mutually beneficial guideline.

Allow a teen to gain independence with negotiation. It is a skill that still allows the parent veto power while giving the teen some control over the outcome. For example, if the parents’ son needs to improve his grades, the parents can say, “You can go to the movie with your friends once your homework is done.”

As a child grows older, increase the level of independence. One couple currently has a deal with their 16-year-old. If he gets a 4.0 GPA, they will pay his car insurance. Note, these parents know their son is capable of getting a 4.0. Be sure expectations are appropriate for each child.

It really is just that simple. Parents can to stick to the boundaries they set and provide consequences when children violate those boundaries. If a child goes to an R-rated movie, for example, punishment is warranted. Letting children know clearly what expectations are is essential.

Expectations and labels. Sometimes parents expect their kids will be like the stereotypical teenager. They anticipate rebellion or moodiness, and sometimes they don’t have it. Parents can create a self-fulfilling prophecy with these attitudes.

On the other hand, other parents set their expectations too high. They want a 4.0 from a child who has gotten Cs or expect their child to be strong enough to never succumb to peer pressure. Parents must make sure their expectations are appropriate for the preteen.

The other thing some parents do is compare one child to another. The drawback here is that kids will feel they will never be able to meet their parents’ unrealistic expectations, so they might as well do what they want.

Each child is an individual and, more than anything, parents need to realize that children are not little adults. Parents can develop some new building plans specific for each specific child. Kids will pick up on unmet expectations and try to placate their parents every time.

For example, an extrovert father has a son who is a loner. For years, the father wanted his son to be an extrovert and would put him in situations where he could meet and socialize with others. When he was 13, he would still go to the social events just to please his dad. But he would hang out in the corner of the room alone. When his father asked him why he didn’t socialize one day, his son responded, “I really don’t like going to [insert event]. I know you like to go and talk to your friends, but I would rather stay home.” Wow, he was going so his father could socialize, and dad was setting up the events so he would socialize! Lesson learned.

Borrow tools from others. So much information is available to parents now. Parents can take the time to use resources such as pastors, friends and parenting groups. The Bible also offers some sound advice. Additionally, some useful online sites are:

• Focus on the Family www.family.org/parenting/
• MomSense at www.christianitytoday.com/parenting/
• Family Life Today www.familylife.com/parenting.asp

If more structured professional help is needed, use a counselor who is experienced in working with adolescents.

Yes, raising kids can be difficult, especially when they are about to enter the teen years. But armed with prayer, honesty, new guidelines and resources, parents can feel confident that God will give them adolescent/parent relationships that glorify him and bless both parents and their preteens.