yra stood on her front doorstep, her eyes glued to the family’s blue SUV. At the steering wheel sat her 17-year-old son, Jason, smiling broadly. Earlier that morning, he’d passed his driver’s test. Now he was about to take his first solo drive.

Myra choked back the tears as the memory of Jason’s first day of school flashed through her mind. It was only yesterday that she’d held his little hand as she’d ushered him into the Kindergarten classroom. He’d looked up at her, anxiety written in his clear blue eyes, and with a quivering voice, had said, “You can go now, Mommy. I’m a big boy.”

A lump formed in her throat. Although she’d been proud of his courage, she held on to his hand just a moment longer before releasing him to a new phase of his life.

Primary reasons parents have trouble letting go

As our children grow, we face many opportunities to release our hold on them. Each opportunity can be difficult because we want to protect them from the dangers of life. In “The Overprotected Child (http://www.focusonyourchild.com/develop/art1/A0000442.html), Dr. James Dobson observed that Christian parents seem to have more difficulty letting go of their children than non-Christian parents. As Dobson points out, “Christian families are more likely to be aware of, and be concerned by, the spiritual dangers their children will face with increasing independence and freedom.”

Another reason for our reluctance to let go is that the older our children get, the closer looms the day of their flight from the nest. The empty nest is something we subconsciously fear and want to avoid because we think it means we will no longer be needed. The truth, however, is that our children will always need us, but in different ways as they mature.

One of the main reasons parents have trouble letting go is that they begin the process too late. Instead of starting to let go early and in small increments at a time, parents hold on to their children for a variety of reasons, including an inordinate desire to protect them, an unhealthful need to control them, or simply a lack of understanding about child development.

When it’s time for their children to take their definitive solo flight — whether through going off to college, starting a new job, or getting married — parents suddenly are forced to allow their children to leave the nest with little or no preparation. The result is often a disastrous crash for both parent and child because neither was ready.

Strange as it may seem, letting go of your child begins the moment he is born. Indeed, the job of parents is to work themselves out of a job. This doesn’t mean you will one day stop being a parent. It simply means you will have to learn to adapt your parenting to your child’s stage of spiritual, psychological, emotional, and physical development. Once your child reaches adulthood, she will still need you for occasional advice, but your role at that point will be more that of a trusted friend and counselor.

Author and parenting expert, Kimberly Brown Seely, writes in “Learning to Let Go” (http://www.parenting.com/parenting/child/article/0,19840,1025872,00.html) that “the whole point of raising children …. is to nurture a separate individual — someone who isn’t afraid to disagree with us, who can choose to leave us, and who might even make serious mistakes.” Indeed, the fear of seeing our children make mistakes is one of the greatest deterrents to letting go.

Principles for letting go of children wisely

Knowing that we have to let our children go is one thing. Actually doing so is quite another. No matter your child’s age, applying the following proven principles will help you let him go with wisdom and grace.

1) Trust your child. Trust is the foundation for letting go. We parents often have a tendency to think our children cannot be trusted to make wise decisions. So we try to make their decisions for them. But in order to help our children become responsible adults, we must allow them the freedom to make their own decisions and to make mistakes in the process.

2) Support your child. Your child needs to know you’re on his side, no matter what. Even when he messes up, he needs to know you will always love him and be there for him. Supporting your child in the good times and in the bad makes it easier to let go. As you support your child, he will develop the confidence to try new things and take new risks.

Supporting, however, does not mean condoning bad behavior. On the contrary, supporting expresses disapproval of harmful behavior while acknowledging your child’s inherent worth.

3) Listen to your child. One of the chief complaints teenagers make about their parents is that they don’t listen to them. Few parents have mastered the art of listening, but doing so is crucial to letting go. Listening is far more than receiving sounds through your ears. Listening involves the heart and requires your full attention. Listening to your child helps attune you to your child’s needs and provides indicators of her maturity level. Knowing your child’s maturity level plays a key role in knowing when and how much to let go.

4) Encourage your child to make his own age-appropriate decisions. At each stage of your child’s growth, there are decisions he can make. When my children were toddlers, I allowed them to make small decisions like choosing what pair of socks to wear that day or what game to play. Making these little decisions helped them gain confidence in the bigger decisions. Of course, today, when they look at some of their early childhood photographs and see what they were wearing, they can’t believe I ever allowed them to go out in public looking like that.

5) Allow yourself time to grieve. Like any loss, letting go can bring with it a sense of grieving. This is normal and should not be ignored. The grieving process that occurs with letting go of our children is similar to that experienced when one loses a loved one. The status quo changes. Life will no longer be the same. Your purpose in life has been threatened and, when this happens, it is normal — and even healthful — to grieve.

Just as our Heavenly Father coaches us into spiritual maturity, so must we coach our children into maturity. Let us not have our children still drinking milk when they should be skilled discerners between good and evil (Hebrews 5:12-14). Instead, let’s ask God to show us when it’s time to give them solid food so that they will be able to function as wise, healthy and free adults.