vie walked nervously toward her eighth-grade science class. Ryan Fletcher’s text message from last night had been flashing through her mind all morning. ‘dreamin about u*** see u in class— Ry ’ Butterflies had found a new home in her tummy; she couldn’t help but panic just a little at the thought of seeing him.

Startled by the sudden poke to her back, she twirled to catch the playful attacker. “Well, if it isn’t the girl of my dreams ….” Ryan’s smile caught her completely off guard, and for a second she felt as if she might melt from the turmoil of strange but wonderful emotions that surfaced as a hot pink blush from the neck up. “Meet you after school?”

“Sure, I mean, I …” Evie had to think quickly. Her mom worked; and if she found out a boy had come home with her, she would be in big trouble. Her mom had lots of “boy rules,” none of which seemed to make much sense right at the moment. Mom — boyfriend … hmmm …. “Uhhh, you just have to leave before my mom gets home.”

Ryan tossed her a wink as he moved past her toward the door to the science class. “I’ll be there.”
Evie’s split-second decision to break the “boy rules” is common. When it comes down to obeying the rules or chasing the crush, adolescent girls find themselves hard pressed not to follow their hearts. Once Evie and Ryan meet up after school, and mom’s not around to stand guard, the only thing Evie will be able to rely on to avoid the pitfalls of rushing headlong into potentially life altering circumstances is her own sense of self-worth.

Cultural acceptance of early dating and premarital sex, coupled with excruciating peer pressure, can quickly and easily undermine parental rules. What can we parents do to help our daughters form a strong enough self-image to help them successfully battle the mounting urge to fit into the crowd?

According to Dr. Paul Pettit, president and founder of “Dynamic Dads” and author of “Congratulations, You’ve got Tweens!: Preparing Your Child for Adolescence” (Kregal Publications, 2007), laying the foundation for success in our children requires intentional and committed determination to foster the child’s parental attachment while allowing them to build their own decision-making process as they develop their unique identity. Tricky stuff, right? How do you do that without a Ph.D. in child development?

In his book, Dr. Pettit states, “Studies show that children who receive responsive and sensitive parenting form an internalized picture of themselves as someone who is worthy of such care. In other words, the child reasons: Mom and Dad take really good care of me. I must be pretty special and should be treated that way by everyone. Further, since children view themselves as worthy of receiving such parental care, they begin to extrapolate positively from those relationships outward, toward others, including peers.”

How might that statement play out for Evie? Evie’s mom has to work, and dad is absent from being a strong role model. In today’s culture, Evie’s family structure is no longer an exception. Many variables face today’s parents that may allow Evie to fall into the cracks, not out of negligence, but through the sheer demands of doing what it takes to meet the financial needs to support the family. With Christmas coming, Evie’s mom needs the extra work hours and trusts that Evie can make the right decisions in her absence. But how can she know for sure?

The truth is that parenting today is often a catch-22; more often than not, parents find themselves facing hard decisions that leave too much room for cultural pressure to wreak havoc in the wake of doing what it takes to survive. However, the good news is that Evie’s mom has some options. And so do you.

The first safeguard is to model the values you want your daughter to choose. The best way to engrain a child with a kingdom identity is to be the person you want her to be. She will take her cues more from what she sees than from what you say. How do you carry yourself? Is your personal integrity something she can depend on?

When you have those few precious moments together, use them to lavishly pour love into your daughter’s spirit. Let her feel the difference between the love and respect that you offer her and what she will encounter when you are not there.

"The quickest way to make a heart-to-heart connection with our children is to get down on their level, maybe even getting down on our knees, looking them in the eye, putting our hand on their shoulder, and saying what we need to say to them with meaning and feeling," advises Dr. Pettit.

Secondly, call in the troops. Find people you trust to help you fill in the parenting gaps. Build a safety net around your daughter — people she can turn to when she needs to talk but doesn’t want to talk to you. Teenage girls are full of questions they can’t ask their mom, and would never ask their dad. Seek out confidantes for your daughter who will give her sound advice when she feels the need to ask questions.

Jump on every opportunity to place her in an environment that is conducive to promoting Christian values. Retreats, activities and social groups that reinforce godly principles can quite possibly deflect and quench the constant bombardment of popular cultural counter pressure much more effectively than you can, working alone.

Understanding the indelible imprint of the culture your daughter lives in can help you identify the parenting gaps that are sure to come and fill them in ways that will help her hold on to that kingdom identity.

With a little creativity, you can shore up her boundaries in pleasant ways. Eventually, your little princess will figure the Ryans out. Until then, call out the troops and station them everywhere you can’t be.

Dr. Paul Pettit is a Professor in the Spiritual Formation and Leadership Department at Dallas Theological Seminary, President and Founder of Dynamic Dads and author of several parenting books including “Congratulations, You’ve Got Tweens!”