W

hoever invented the phrase, ‘Good morning’ clearly never visited my house,” Kerri thought as she stumbled out of bed. “Come on kids, get up!” she yelled, as she scurried down the hallway to make the lunches she had intended to prepare the previous night.

Fifteen minutes later, she realized it would take a forklift to extract her surly pre-teen daughter from her cozy resting place. “I don’t know why I let you talk me into letting you stay up late last night to watch that silly show,” vented Kerri. “Get up now! You’re going to make us late — again!”

Her frustration only grew when she checked on her seven-year-old and found him, still in his pajamas, finishing yesterday’s homework. “What are you doing? I told you to do that before dinner!”

The victory of getting them both to the breakfast table was short-lived when a sibling screaming match broke out. “Stop yelling you two! I don’t know why you talk to each other like that!”

“But, Mom,” her son responded. “You do.”

Anger. It’s not something moms like to talk about, but it’s a rare mom who doesn’t struggle with it. The daily relentless demands of motherhood — from mounds of laundry to endless car pooling — wear us down. We aspire to be June Cleaver but on some days more closely resemble Attila the Hun. We feel guilt, resolve to do better, only to lose control once more and start the cycle all over again. What’s a mom to do?

What makes us angry?

As mothers, we love our children fiercely. We sacrifice for them, worry about them and dream big for their futures. So, how can people we care for so deeply seem to make us go from loving to lunatic in the blink of an eye?

Frequently when we lose control, the root cause often has far more to do with us than our children. Do any of the following strike a chord?

Kids expose our inadequacies. We can often hide our flaws from outsiders, but our children are keenly adept at exposing the truth. Sharon, a mother of a teen daughter and two college-aged sons, describes it this way: “When I get angry with my kids, it’s usually because I recognize in them a weakness I have in my own life,” she explains. “I’m mad at them for illuminating something about myself I don’t like to admit.”

We make parenting about us. God intended and delights in our enjoyment of his creation. However, our calling is to raise children for his glory, not simply for our own fulfillment. In “Sacred Parenting” (Zondervan, 2004), Gary L. Thomas writes, “Most of us are inherently selfish when it comes to raising children … when we wake up to the truth that children can be embarrassing as well as exemplary, we become resentful and bitter, and a foul spiritual climate can soon take over the home.”

Unrealistic expectations. Two-year-olds throw tantrums. Ten-year-olds procrastinate school projects. Teenagers challenge parental authority. If we expect perfection from our children, we are destined for disappointment. Does that mean misbehavior is acceptable? No. Inevitable? Yes.  

The root cause of our anger is often ourselves, not our kids’ behavior.

Our own baggage — past and present. Dysfunction in our own family backgrounds, marital and work stressors, financial pressures — just to name a few — can cause anxiety, fear and anger. Add a testy teen or a pouty preschooler to the equation and it can push a stressed-out mom over the edge. In her book, “She’s Gonna Blow! Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger” (Harvest House, 2005), Julie Ann Barnhill says this:  “… the longer we go along with unresolved anger toward anyone, the more likely we are to unfairly unleash that anger on the nearest target … our children.”

Taming the temper

Regardless of the reasons for our rage, our chronic anger can communicate to children that home is not a safe place to be themselves or make mistakes. Kerri’s scenario illustrates how it also compromises our children’s view of us as role models.

While we can’t eliminate all the sources of frustration in our lives, we can learn how to better manage our stress. Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin.” Below are some tips to help you respond to your children in healthy ways:

1) Take care of you. Before take-off, the flight attendant always instructs passengers to secure their own oxygen masks before assisting their children. In the same way, we have to breathe life into our bodies — spiritually, physically and emotionally — in order to speak life-giving words to our children.  

Reading the Bible gives the wisdom and humility to parent with patience.

Spending time in God’s Word regularly is vital because it gives the wisdom, grace and humility needed to parent with patience. Barnhill writes, “God alone can change our nature. Only the God who created us has the power to take hearts that are cold and hard and make them soft and pliable. Only a Creator who gave his only Son for us can give us a heart for our own children.”

Make getting good rest a priority. Few things can cause us to make a mountain out of a molehill quite like sleep deprivation. Find emotional support through a women’s Bible study group and regular lunches or “movie nights” with girlfriends. Even a few hours away can renew your perspective and recharge your energy and endurance.

2) Have a plan. Post a list of “house rules.” Make sure your kids know the consequences if they violate them; be sure to follow through consistently. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to lash out verbally if you don’t have a plan of action in place ahead of time.

Kerri could make life easier by enforcing consistent bedtimes. She could give her kids the job of packing lunches the night before as part of an after-school “checklist” that also includes finishing homework. Privileges of phone, computer and/or television could be tied to completion of the items on the list each day.

3) Divest your “care burden.” Allow your children to experience natural consequences. Continually rescuing children with forgotten homework or lunches ups your stress level and guarantees you’ll be doing it long into the future. Also, take the time to teach your children how to assume age-appropriate levels of responsibility around the house. In time, they’ll be able to lighten your load.

4) Remember God’s grace to you. Sandy, mother of a preschooler and a first-grader, recalls how frustrated she used to become at her children’s defiance. “At some point it hit me — I’m not raising my children to be perfect,” she says. “I realized how unproductive it would be if our Heavenly Father responded in anger every time we did something wrong.”

In Luke 15:11-32, the parable of the prodigal son gives us a powerful picture of the parental love God gives to his children. In spite of the son’s rebellion, defiance and selfishness, his father greets him with arms open wide, offering unconditional love, grace and forgiveness. With God’s help, we can do the same.